Hey there,

I’m Courtney.

It looks like you’ve somehow stumbled upon my “blog”. I’m not really sure where this will go or if I will even post more than a couple of times before I forget about it. I’m not great at finishing things that I start.

My posts might just be jumbled thoughts that sprung into my mind. They might not make sense to anyone but that’s okay. I never intended to gain readers, but if I happen to, that’s fine with me. If no one ever reads this, that’s okay too.

I read somewhere that getting a journal or blogging is helpful. Hopefully this helps clear my mind and make sense of it all.

I’m torn.

I keep going back and forth with myself, trying to decide if I want to share this blog with my friends and family. A part of me wants to. So they can get a clearer view of my own thoughts or why I may do the things that I do. They can read it without me having to say anything.

On the other hand. I want to keep it for myself and the few people that stumble across my words. I don’t want to be judged, especially by people I know. I also don’t want anyone to feel bad for me.

I’ve just barely started my blog and I feel the need to just sit here and type. Get everything out of my system. Talk about everything bothering me.

My insecurities. My happy days. My dreams. My life.

But, I feel silly. It feels odd typing out all of my thoughts and posting them on this blog. It feels odd trying to articulate what is going on in my mind. Maybe one day I will be good at this whole “blogging” thing but until then, I’ll just keep typing…

I hate my body.

I’ve become lazy.

I have no motivation to work out, no matter how much I HATE my body.. I used to not hate it as much, but now I am embarrassed to even look at myself in the mirror naked. I wish I could just snap my fingers and have a body like the hundreds of girls on social media. I know that’s not how it works and who knows, I might hate that body too.

Even at my smallest, I always thought I was big. Not fat, just big. I’m tall, which automatically makes me feel so much bigger than everyone around me. Now that I have become less active and shove junk food in my mouth everyday I’ve noticed just how big I have gotten in the last two years. I knew I was gaining weight but I didn’t think people around me noticed as much as I did until I was asked if I was expecting.. That broke me. I stared at myself in the mirror for what seemed like hours. Disgusted at the person looking back at me. Embarrassed by the new stretch marks I was finding. Crying every now and then when I try on clothes in stores that I once fit in and leaving empty handed.

I signed up for a gym membership and went hard for a solid month and lost fifteen pounds. Then I got lazy again. I gained it back and then some. What’s wrong with me…?

I so badly want to be one of those people that crave a good workout. That meals preps and cooks these amazing healthy meals. I want that feeling of knowing my workout will release stress and make me feel amazing but it never happens. I get addicted for a few weeks then fall back off the train. I signed up for camp gladiator and pushed myself hard, for four solid weeks. Now, I find myself workout free for the third week in a row. Avoiding messages from my trainer asking where I’ve been. Saying that I will attend the next workout, just to not show up. Why can’t I stick to this? I love seeing the weight come off but I always stop before any real progress peaks through.

At this point, it’s a battle with myself. I have to find a way to motivate myself to go because looking at myself in the mirror just becomes a struggle that I can’t bear anymore..